Imagine group without you?

What would happen if you (as the leader) could not attend group unexpectedly? Would your group meet anyway? How would it go? How often do you get the last minute phone call or email that someone is not coming to group? When was the last time you heard from members of your group indicating that they really look forward to group and couldn’t imagine missing it? If your response to any of the above questions is less than favorable, it could be a matter of honing a community group environment of greater participation or ownership.

Following are a few ideas to enhance ownership of your community group.

1.  spread the responsibilities that make for a well rounded and balanced community group

• Who’s in charge of childcare?
• Who makes sure there are snacks and refreshments?
• Who facilitates the discussion?
• Who keeps the calendar and tracks life events: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, group socials, etc.?
• Who organizes group activities?
• Who’s hosting group?

2.  cultivate relationships

This is core to developing Biblical community. Hanging out together or getting together one on one with members of your group outside of your weekly group gathering is key. True story. I happened to mention in group a couple weeks ago that I belong to Gold’s Gym. (I didn’t say I worked out at Gold’s – I belong to it. Maybe some of you can relate). One of the other guys in group mentioned that he really wanted to get started on a consistent exercise program. I wanted to say, “Ok, I’m not your guy,” but before I could blurt that out he was asking me if I could be his accountability partner. What was I to say being the exemplary leader that I am? Believe it or not we’ve been going to Gold’s two whole weeks in a row, not missing a single day! I haven’t done anything two weeks in a row ever in my life other than breathe.

We spend most of our workout time on stair masters or stationary bikes – which lends itself to quite a bit of conversation on real life stuff. When we meet at group it’s almost like he anticipates what I’m thinking or what I would do – because we’ve hung out during the week and we’ve talked about group and how ‘we’ feel it should go. Oh and did I mention that I’ve only known this guy for about a month and that he’s my apprentice?

3. Make group worth coming to

Is the host home inviting and welcoming? Is there enough lighting? Is the discussion facilitator adequately prepared most of the time? Are the kids under conrol and having fun? Are the study and the questions relevant to the makeup of the group? Do your members really know who you are – in other words do you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your group or are you an android never struggling with anything?

Imagine what group would be like if everyone in group truly owned it? Imagine group without you?

David

 

The Good Shepherd – A Process for Change

One of the processes I take clients through in order to help them overcome resistance to change, in order to secure a more desirable outcome be it personal, professional, and even spiritual, is a progression that goes like this:

A (S + K) + mG = PBC > IR

It’s not a formula or a singular event. It’s a process. It’s a path and paths always lead somewhere whether that destination is desirable or undesirable. One important point to keep in mind is that a result or circumstance, favorable or not, that you or I may be currently experiencing is a result of a series of choices and paths we’ve chosen over a period of time – a process and “Voila!”. We have what we have. Joe Duke just gave a message on this.

We’ll break the progression down from right to left:

IR - an improved result. For our purposes we’ll use improved result to mean growth, development, improvement, etc. in some aspect(s) of our lives, or the ‘lives’ of our Small Group.

The symbol > stands for yields.

PBC – Positive Behavior Change. So far we have Positive Behavior Change yields an Improved Results. If you don’t like what you currently have then change what you’re doing. Choose a different path. To do that we need:

mG – stands for My Goals – not goals somebody else has for you, not your boss’s, not your spouse’s, not your accountability partner’s – yours. Those goals need to be written out as S.M.A.R.T. ones:

S stands for specific
M stands for measurable
A stands for attainable
R stands for relevant (relevant to one’s mission and values)
T stands for time bound

This is not a S.M.A.R.T. goal: “I want invest in an emerging Leader this year.”

This one is: “I will begin to invest in (the person) by meeting with them for 30 minutes prior to and after each group meeting. I will give them the responsibility of choosing and preparing the next study our group does.”

S and K - stand for skills and knowledge and we ask the questions, “What knowledge and skills do I need to acquire in order to accomplish my goals? Do I already possess the knowledge and skills – if not how do I get them?”

Finally there is a multiplying factor that impacts the entire equation progression, It’s A which stands for Attitude. Attitudes are thought habits. They’re automatic and they often exist at the subconscious level. Half the challenge is simply identifying them (attitudes), which can be done if you take the time to do some reflective thinking.

For example let’s say that your goal is to spend 2 hours a week reading your Bible in 2010. That’s 4 x 30 minute quiet times each week or just over 17 minutes per day. An attainable goal considering on average, Americans spend 2.77 hours/day watching television[1]. You already know it’s important to spend time reading and thinking about the things God has revealed to you and you possess the skills to manage your schedule effectively to do it. However gaining traction in this area of your life has been elusive – a slippery slope – you put it off.

After doing some reflective thinking you discover an attitude that has kept you from positively changing your behavior to net out the improved result which could be more peace, joy and confidence as you walk with God. The attitude you’ve identified is: “I don’t always understand what I read. I don’t have time. I understand the big picture, do I really need all the details? After all, God is in charge, if it’s His will, it’ll happen, etc. etc.”

In summary: by replacing your attitude (and scripture is full of passages reflecting our need for attitude changes!) – you can alter your behavior which can net out different results.

What I’ve just shared with you in part, normally takes an hour to cover in a formal presentation – and it needs to be revisited often and throughout the course of several weeks to over a year. It’s a proven process that has helped numerous individuals and organizations overcome resistance to change.

I hope this helps you effect positive change in your life and in the life of your Small group. It’s a process I use, and it continues to work for me.

David

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[1] http://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.t01.htm census results 2008.

 

The Good Shepherd – Overcoming Resistance to Change

So how are your New Year’s resolutions coming along? They’re not? What? You didn’t set any this year? Why? Do you recall the one(s) you set last year? The year before that? Me neither. This read isn’t meant to shame or guilt anyone into what he or she ‘should do or be’:

• Lose weight / gain weight
• Spend more time with the fam
• Pay off credit card debt (I’m still paying off my Sears toaster from last Christmas…ok I’ll fess up, maybe a couple of Christmases ago)
• Have a more consistent devotional time
• Workout at the gym more (I’ve seen some of you there!)
• …the list goes on.

What does this have to do with Community Group leadership? Glad you asked. Quite a bit actually. Think about it. We’re called upon as leaders to help others deepen their walk with God, deploy their gifts, and to develop biblical community with one another. The ability to accomplish these things effectively and with any sustainability, all implies change and for the most part folks resist it. Furthermore, how does one overcome resistance to change? Everything from flawless reasoning to scare tactics and even bribery has limited results – let alone any staying power.

Statistics bear that only one in seven diagnosed and threatened with a serious and even life-threatening illness, does anything to change or improve their health. These are sad but all too true averages. We’ve all heard stories or even witnessed them ourselves. So why are we so prone to resisting change?

A penny for your thoughts…I would love to hear about your promises kept and even un-kept. What’s worked? What hasn’t? Feel free to give a specific and personal example – one you’re comfortable sharing – and one that’s yours, not your spouse’s, kid’s, or co-worker’s. You never know who you might encourage or who you might  help to keep his or her New Year’s resolution. In the second edition of ‘Overcoming resistance to change’ I’ll share with you what’s tried and proven both from a personal standpoint and a compelling case study.

Until then – I’ll see you at the gym.

David Libdan

 

The Good Shepherd – Crucial Conversations-part II

We all have them – conversations that come out of the blue where there is a clash of opinions. Conversations that are emotionally charged where the stakes are high. You know you’re in the throes of one when your chest pounds, your mouth gets dry, and your palms get sweaty. Often, we move into flight or fight mode because we’ve been poorly conditioned and had poor modeling. By and large most of us don’t do well with confrontation – especially when it’s spontaneous and we’re caught off guard. We find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or going silent.

Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler  - authors of The Influencer – offer several effective tools in their bestseller Crucial Conversations. Following are some of their ideas which I’ve used with success whether I was engaging a community group member, a teenager, or a business partner. Like everything else these aren’t just techniques. There’s an art and science to holding effective and productive conversations. The good news is we can all learn.  Avoid the temptation to purchase the book, never read it, and then offer it to someone else who really needs it!

• Start with the heart (yourself): If you can’t get yourself right you’ll have a tough time getting the dialogue right. When conversations turn crucial you’ll fall back to the tactics you were brought up with, possibly resorting to: arguing, the silent treatment, manipulation, and so on. Pause. Take a Snickers break and ask yourself 3 questions going into a conversation that’s turned crucial:

1. What do I want for myself?
2. What do I want for the other person?
3. What do I want for the relationship?

• Find your bearings: There are two good reasons for asking these questions. First, knowing what we really want helps us to locate our own ‘North Star’. Even if people are trying to pick a fight, and regardless of thousands of years of genetic hard wiring that bring our emotions to a quick boil, we can overcome our deeply ingrained habit of trying to win, by remembering our ‘North Star’ and allowing it to return us to our original purpose,

• Take charge of your body: The second reason for asking what we really want is no less important. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think, and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

• Add to the pool of understanding: We all know the hazards of diving into the shallow end of a swimming pool. Similarly the less information, perspectives, and inputs from an individual or group of people – the shallower the waters. As we create a safe environment for an individual or group of people to speak up and contribute, especially in a crucial conversation, more depth is added to the pool of understanding – and of course it is safer to ‘dive in’

There are many benefits to handling crucial conversations effectively, and I recommend that you get this book to learn more about them.

Until your next crucial conversation,

David Libdan

 

The Good Shepherd – Crucial Conversations

Ministry within Small Groups can and does get messy at times. Often during those messy times we as leaders may have to hold hard conversations with the group or with individual members of the group. Group members may even need to have hard conversations with other group members. These hard conversations can also be known as ‘crucial conversations’. Crucial conversations are defined as:  a discussion between two or more people where (1) the stakes are high, (2) opinions differ, and (3) emotions run strong. Here are some examples of crucial conversations within the context of community – hypothetical ones that could come up, maybe even issues you’ve had to deal with:

• A member of your group shows up week after week and is stuck with the same challenge. Despite the fact that the group has pointed the individual toward biblical truth, he or she doesn’t seem to be able to move beyond the challenge. The group is growing weary and it’s time to hold a crucial conversation.

• Someone in the group has parenting challenges and his/her kids continue to create problems with other children during group meetings. Other members appear distracted by what could be happening in the other room. How do you as a leader maintain a safe group environment where adults and children feel comfortable? How do you graciously handle this crucial conversation?

• …and the all time doozie: There’s an unmarried couple in the group and they’re ‘shacking up’. There’s uneasiness and definite differences of opinion, emotions are running high, and some members of the group are threatening to leave. As a group leader, more than one crucial conversation might be required to put this issue ‘to rest’!

Before I offer some guidelines on holding crucial conversations, I would welcome your thoughts on the above examples. How have you handled crucial conversations in your group? Please engage the rest of our readership with your perspectives. In next month’s post, I’ll weigh in…
Cheers,
David Libdan

 

The Good Shepherd: Kids in the Community Group

A well-known pastor and teacher thought of a title for a book he would one day author: The 10 Commandments to Raising Children (this was before he got married). Later when he got married he thought he would change the title to his yet-to-be-written book to: The 10 Principles to Raising Children. A few years later after having a couple kids of his own (still not having written his book) he revised the title to: 10 Suggestions for Raising Children. Now a grandfather and only a few pages completed in draft form for his unpublished book, he landed on his final title for his book: 10 Random Thoughts to Raising Children! You gotta love it!

Very few things can quickly and systematically dismantle a great community group as inadequate or poor childcare in a group can. Trust me. This I know to be so very true. And for those of you who have children (of any age) in your community group, you would most likely agree with a wholehearted, “Amen!” The good news is that the following ideas on childcare for community groups are not random thoughts. They’re a compilation of tried and proven methods used by seasoned and effective community group leaders and their members.

Here they are:

Come together as a Small Group and openly discuss/or form a childcare focus group.

• Discuss the importance of quality and consistent childcare during group.

• What does quality childcare look, sound, and feel like?

• Encourage participation from as many concerned members of the group – and they’re not all going to be parents either. The more participation you have, the more buy-in.

• Include the sitter(s) in the discussion. From that discussion construct a childcare policy – a reasonable, agreed upon, and enforceable one.

• Type it up, hand it out to all the members of the group and have everyone sign it.

• Present it to the kids as a whole (if they’re old enough to understand it) with all the adults present so you mitigate the risk of, “I didn’t know that” syndrome.

• Revisit the policy say once every other month to see how things are going and to make any adjustments.

• Determine what an effective and safe ratio of sitter to kids is.

• Clearly delineate the expectations of the sitter…

What are the disciplinary protocols for kids who don’t comply? When is the sitter done? What are the expectations of the parents and their children when the sitter goes home for the night? What time is the sitter expected to arrive and be relieved of her/his charge?

• Kids are in a separate room – preferably a different floor of the group host home.

Try to ensure everything conceivable is available for the kids in this room/area: snacks, bathroom, special games or toys specifically reserved for group night, oh yeah, and the sitter. Have sitters and back-up sitters.

• Schedule your sitters weeks ahead of time consistently (teenagers have lives too!)

• Once you have a good sitter ask him/her if they have friends like him or herself that would serve as backups or help out when there’s an unusual number of kids showing up for group or a social event or in case he/she (the sitter gets sick or has to be away out of town).

• Pay the sitter well.

Decide ahead of time how much the sitter(s) will get paid for their much appreciated work. Pay the sitter the same amount even if there is only one kid that shows for group even though there may be as many as six that show for group. Pay the sitter even if no kids show for some odd reason. Remember, that teenager made plans to attend your group and said no to other plans in order to do so.

Great sitters can be found:

• At LPC Underground – get to know them they’re great kids.

• At local high school postings – call the admin office. Oftentimes students are also certified babysitters with first aid training to boot.

• Your own kids’ friends.

• Worst case scenario – if your sitter cancels last minute (and hopefully this is rare) – parents take turns rotating in and out of the designated childcare room/area.

Childcare at group:

• Can be a meaningful time for the kids as well.

• There can be some structure and planned activities – it all depends on what great childcare looks, feels, and sounds like to you and your group.

Hope these ideas help.

David Libdan

 

The Good Shepherd – inviting others to co-host

Years ago I used to commute to work from my home in Westminster, MD to Tysons Corner, VA. Yup – some of you felt my pain on that one. Often I would call my wife on my long way home. I did this to check the temperature at the home front. Was Amy (my wife) having a good day? Were the kids having meltdowns? Was dinner slightly overdone? Whatever the scenario was I had a heads-up coming home. Believe me – this simple tactic helped me prepare mentally and emotionally numerous times, so I could genuinely be present for my family that evening. It allowed me to switch gears on the fly if necessary. No, I didn’t put my car in reverse and head back to work! There were times I was tempted …

I can think of recent instances where, as the leader of our community group, I could have benefited from performing a check-in call to the current group host home (we rotate host homes monthly among our group members). Our group and I have walked into emotional land mines in host homes – with no warning. The atmosphere would be thick with tension between a husband and wife because they just had a very passionate discussion, or the host would be scurrying around the house trying to tidy-up since he/she just got home late from work, apologizing to the group for not being ready, and while trying to cram a piece pizza down since their family hadn’t finished eating dinner yet. You’ve all been there. It made for an awkward start to the evening.

We’ve recently implemented co-hosting in our group, where another individual or couple would team up with the host home of the month. The co-host shows up an hour or so early to help with last-minute clean up, errands, or to help calm things down for whatever the cause of tension might be. Talk about accelerating a sense of community in a group! I can hardly wait until my co-host shows up at my house! Here’s the vacuum cleaner …do you mind grabbing ice on the way in … I’ve had a tough day at work – you have time to listen … or here, take the kids while I run circles around the house. You get the picture. Hope this helps in taking the edge off of hosting for group when it’s your turn.

David Libdan